You Can't Earn Your Way Into Being Chosen

One thing I've learned from being a silo baby is that you cannot convince someone to choose you.

In my last relationship, I was constantly asking for more time, more initiative, to feel included in my partner's life instead of compartmentalized. He'd agree, and act like he'd change, and then, regretfully, cancel a plan he'd made for me.

If you're new here, for context: we were semi-long-distance and only saw each other on weekends. He lived a separate life to protect his independence, like a lot of avoidants do. He was deeply enmeshed with his family, and our time together was already limited because I worked full-time and he traveled a lot.

When I'd express those needs and he'd sometimes adapt, I felt guilty, like I was being unreasonable. But that simply wasn't true. You are not unreasonable for having needs. For wanting quality time. For wanting a partner who chooses you and includes you in their life: their travel, their hobbies, their world.

How I tried to fix it

Here's how I ended up coping as an anxious silo baby: I sought reassurance. He was passive, the type who'd give in easily on small things to avoid a fight. So I found myself negotiating, litigating, and fighting for a spot in his life.

When he wanted to leave to spend time with his family out of state, without me, which was often, I'd find myself telling him which dates to leave and come back. Planning everything around his life. Always being the one who came to him. Feeling guilty for asking him to show up for the things that mattered to me.

Instead of setting healthy boundaries, telling him what I needed, and being willing to walk away if he couldn't give it, I fit myself into his world. I did all the work of being chosen, and called it love.

But here's the thing I had to learn the hard way: being chosen isn't something you can earn by doing enough. If you have to arrange it, negotiate it, and manage it into existence, you're not being prioritized, you're prioritizing yourself for them and hoping they'll finally match it. And they usually won't, because the whole point of the silo is that they don't have to.

If this is you

My advice: get really clear on what you need and aren't getting, before the resentment builds, and before you've done all the emotional labor of planning a future for two people by yourself.

And if they can't meet that need, walk away. Find someone who will.

They can love you. They can make you feel amazing, and all the rest of it. But someone who compartmentalizes you, who won't fit you into their actual life, is avoiding vulnerability and real attachment. That isn't something you can love or earn your way past.

Let them go. You were never supposed to have to earn a place in someone's life. The right person makes one for you.